Apparently, my downward spiral of a life has gotten even worse. I am now GROUNDED for not being ready for my mom to get to her meeting on time. Did my parents care that I was out untill 10PM for a concert I didn't even want to go to, and was too tired to do anything but sleep when I got home? No, they don't frankly care. I'm supposedly grounded from TV, computer, and can only talk on the phone for 10 minutes. I am on the computer in the photo room, so that's why I'm able to do this. The earliest I can get out of this crap is Friday night. What is even worse is that because of someone else's selfishness, I probably won't get to go to the one thing I really want to go to, and all these other people get to and I'm one of the only people who actually cares about going. Damn it. I just wish everyone would give it a rest. Then at school it's constantly rubbed in my face that everyone else gets to go and I don't. It's like they're purposely bragging about it to upset me or piss me off. Well everyone got what they wanted. I am upset. I am pissed off. I am just very frustrated in general. The school day is finally almost over, thank god. We get our yearbooks soon, but for the first time I just don't even care. I have a choir potluck/rehearsal today for church at one of the members' house. It should be ok, at least I don't have to deal with anybody trying to make me upset (hopefully). It continues to amaze me that people think what I'm going through is so funny. I don't see how a person feeling so bad is so damn hilarious. And just because I've laughed and goofed off a little during this time, doesn't mean I'm happy or even ok. I guess i can just be an ok actress when I need to be. Or maybe, I just get sick of being so unhappy and want to try to believe the illusion that I can be happy like everyone else, at least for a little while. I found out yesterday that I was called back for the choir I want to be in next year. It doesn't really make me happy, because I'm still not actually in the choir yet, and at the rate things are going, I probably won't make it. I wish somebody would make so I could go to that thing that I want to go to so bad! I wish I could just have that miracle. It doesn't look like it's gonna happen though....
ead.g
- posted by nikki @ 1:17 PM

 
I'm posting again, but only because Jessa wanted me to update so I did. My life has been currently, very depressing. I got to ask the guy I like that question, but it turns out he would go if he could, but is away that weekend for a conference. Also, one of the central influences in my life called me a third grader, made me cry, and hung up on me, just to later on tell me I haven't been living up to my potential. What's worse is that the few people I've talked to seem to think what's happening to me is hilarious. The truth is I'm really sick of trying hard and then nothing happens but stuff to make it worse. Then tonite I'm off to sing at a choir concert that I have no desire to sing in and put up the fascade(sp.?) that everything is fine. The fact is that unless I have some remarkable miracle happen, my life is going to continue in its downward spiral. There's only so much one person can take, and I'm about to reach that point if I haven't yet already. Oh, well time to go get ready for the choir concert from hell. Time to get all dressed up and watch noone care. Seriously, I wonder if anyone ever will....
- posted by nikki @ 5:17 PM